Theresa May Proposes Outlawing Quantum Entanglement

Reporters at the conference were unsure how the Right Honourable MS. May avoided blinking for so long. 

Reporters at the conference were unsure how the Right Honourable MS. May avoided blinking for so long. 

In a press conference alongside GCHQ Director Jeremy Fleming, British Prime Minister Theresa May today announced her government's intention to outlaw the physical phenomenon of quantum entanglement in the United Kingdom. 

The Prime Minister's statement was in direct response to a recent announcement by Chinese scientists, who were able to send a packet of information to a satellite in orbit – over 1,400 kilometres above Earth's surface – using quantum entanglement. Though the technology is still in a very early stage, scientists believe the principle could be used to create a secure communications standard which would be impossible to eavesdrop on without alerting the users.

Prime Minister May, however, expressed her disagreement with the laws of physics:

"By not allowing for the possibility of legal interception by our nation's law enforcement, the physical property of quantum entanglement could be misused by terrorists and sexual predators. Therefore, I am today announcing our government's intention to outlaw the quantum entanglement of any subatomic particles within the United Kingdom."

Asked by reporters if the GCHQ was proposing to alter one of the basic properties of spacetime, Director Fleming responded: "We're working on it. But physicists need to stop seeing government and law enforcement as adversaries, and instead work with us to solve the problem of quantum entanglement. I'll admit, I don't claim to understand quantum mechanics – or even basic physics – but I have to say it's always seemed a bit daft to me. I mean, is the bloody cat alive or dead? It's got to be one or the other, right?"

Prime Minister May added: "The laws of physics are most commendable, but the laws of the United Kingdom are the laws paramount of this land."

Pressed for clarification on how her government might legislate away fundamental laws of nature, the Prime Minister simply pushed a button unfurling a giant Union Jack and activating a recording of "Rule Britannia" at maximum volume. She then stared at reporters menacingly and unblinking through all six verses.

image credit: Theresa May by Drop of Light, via shutterstock

(Reminder: This is satire, not news. If you don't get the joke, read this.)