NASA Hiring "Facts Protection Officer" to Yell at Journalists With Megaphone

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The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has announced that they're hiring a full time "Facts Protection Officer", reputedly at a six-figure salary. 

The Facts Protection Officer (or FPO) would be responsible for going to the desks of journalists and repeatedly shouting the contents of NASA press releases, verbatim, through a megaphone at close range. 

Karen Chen from NASA Public Affairs explained the newly-developed strategy at a recent press conference:

"We've come to realize that the factual content of our releases doesn't seem to be retained by most reporters. Research has shown that any time we start talking about NASA operations in depth, journalists who are listening seem to be immediately distracted by fanciful visions of rocket ships, aliens, and ray guns. This frequently results in wildly inaccurate, clickbait-y headlines."

"We're hoping that by deploying an FPO, equipped with a megaphone, directly to the desks of journalists as they work, we'll be able to relay the facts of our releases more readily and accurately. Indeed, a high enough volume may be sufficient to penetrate the thick osteo-cranial layer, and absorb directly into the cerebrum, albeit with a minor degree of permanent hearing loss."

NASA has advertised that a successful candidate should posess a naturally loud voice with a piercing timbre, have the ability to recite moderately-technical press releases from memory, and be capable of standing and yelling for long periods. Interested applicants should send a resumé to NASA HR, and in lieu of a cover letter, include a five-minute-long audio recording of their best shouting.

 

image by Phovoir via Shutterstock

(Reminder: This is satire, not news. If you don't get the joke, read this.)

ScienceJesse Schooff